Nicola Watson-Bird, our Additional Needs Support Coordinator, highlights the danger of social comparison and suggests a more positive approach.
Sibling disagreements, whining, stomping, demands, tantrums, breakages and skinned knees – these perfectly normal yet less-than-perfect images do not make it onto social media feeds. Life is more than a Facebook post, a Tweet or a YouTube video. We all know that. We tell the kids that all the time … even Shakespeare said, ‘Comparisons are odorous’, in other words they stink!
All summer long I enjoyed pictures of my grandchildren (and others) playing on the sand, swimming in the sea, paddleboarding, baking home-made pizza, walking in the hills, BBQs, eating ice-creams, and sleeping in the garden. Hair bleached, faces sun-kissed, sparkling eyes, broad, full smiles, campsites and car rides, farms and playschemes, bootcamps, musicals staged in a week and long, lazy days of fun.
Wonderful!
In her book Day by Day: Emotional Wellbeing in Parents of Disabled Children, Joanna Griffin writes that adults are not immune from social comparison – be it upward, i.e. comparing to others who have more of something we deem desirable, which may inspire us to aim higher or to achieve greater things. Or downward, i.e. comparing to someone less fortunate than ourselves in order to be grateful for what we have.
Some wellbeing studies suggest that both comparisons may be beneficial at a given time and place, but I wonder how that works for families where the children have additional needs? Participation in social comparison may leave us feeling anything but good, as these parents of children with additional needs write:
‘Social media sometimes is just torture. All these families doing normal things that just aren’t possible. It can drive you insane and it really isn’t helpful. Having a bit of a break away from it is really helpful – from seeing other people’s lives and you know all the things that they can do with such ease. I think it’s jealousy more than anything, that my life isn’t so simple and I can’t just go and take the kids to the cinema because she wouldn’t sit through a film, or we can’t just go out to dinner because her diet is so restricted. I think it’s comparing isn’t it a lot.’
‘I know there are parents who have a much harder, tougher life and I have friends who have life-threatening conditions, their children … then I think, “Well why am I complaining?” But then that doesn’t help me. I just put it in a different kind of perspective. It doesn’t help me thinking, “Oh they are worse off, that’s good for me” – it doesn’t, no. It just makes me sadder for them that they have to go through that.’
Don’t compare your ‘behind-the-scenes’ with anyone else’s ‘highlight reel’. However, comparing to an earlier version of yourself or your family, focusing on the personal positives, the growth and development you’ve all experienced – that can be really encouraging. Look at all the skills you’ve developed, the battles you’ve won, the improvements that have been achieved, the friends you’ve made, the professionals you’ve ‘trained’ and the ‘systems’ you’ve improved for parents following after you.
Parents whose children have additional needs often feel a sense of disappointment that parenthood is different from how they had imagined it. No family is perfect; all families have their stresses and strains, challenges and differences. Behind the carefully selected images posted on social media, family life is full of chaos, uncertainty and unpredictability. So let’s be practical for a moment. Joanna has some questions for us to reflect upon:
- When you’re feeling a bit fragile, and you look at someone’s posts, what effect does it have on you?
- Are there certain accounts that have a particularly negative effect on how you feel about your life?
- How do you present yourself or your life either on social media or simply in response to the question ‘how are you?’
- If you’re feeling sensitive, what could you do instead of going on social media?
It has been said that every minute you spend wishing you had someone else’s life is a minute spent wasting yours!
Finally, Joanna suggests an alternative comparison. Neither upward nor downward, rather sideways. Can you see that there are others in the same boat as you or at least the same storm? This kind of comparison may be much more helpful. Our situations may never be the same, but we may find precious pockets of understanding along the way.
I have just had a brief conversation with my colleague who has a grown-up son with Down’s syndrome. In a matter of minutes, we covered, benefits, transitions, work placements and most significantly pride. In those few brief moments we connected – sharing experiences and emotions. This was sideways comparison at its best – not the same lives, not glossy lives filled with endless sunshine – rather, I found a precious pocket of understanding with someone else who gets it.
Wonderful!
Care for the Family offers a telephone befriending support service for parents of children with additional needs. For more information have a look at our webpage.
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