All parents experience stress and heartache, joy and laughter. It’s not always easy with highs and lows along the way.
Having a child or children with additional needs may add extra challenges to a marriage or partnership. Here’s some advice to consider.
- You do not need to agree on everything. Two people look at situations differently. When you are making decisions for a child with additional needs the stakes can feel higher and the disagreements can feel bigger than they are in reality. One parent may be focusing on a particular area of development which the other is not so concerned about. One parent may want to do lots of research and need second opinions – they may want to pursue private treatments or assessments – and the other may see no need for such things. Amid such difficult decisions remember that you care about and love each other. It is frustrating when opinions differ but try to make room for compromise. Remembering the love you share and that you are on the same team can help you to stay centred in heated moments.
- Be honest about feelings of anger, guilt, regret, shame and blame. These are all difficult emotions that may arise at the point of diagnosis, when milestones are missed or during difficult phases. Be real with each other. Run to each other rather than away and ask for professional help if you need it. Share your insights about everything; the good, the bad and the ugly. Keeping things bottled up inside can often result in some messy explosions which may impact the whole family. Learn to listen to one another and create a safe space to let off steam.
- Be kind to each other. Everyone needs to be ‘cut a little slack’ at times. Parents of children with additional needs may have to face more than their fair share of high-pressure situations. Despite the very best of intentions, when stressed and exhausted one may say or do things that hurt the other person. You never set out to be mean to each other, and yet you are. Frustration is normal but try not to blame each other when things get tough. After a conflict it is helpful to find time to discuss issues, apologise and forgive. Some of the biggest arguments can arise over the least important of things. Recognise your situation for what it is, go easy on each other, forgive, and move on. No one is perfect and both need to extend and receive grace from each other.
- Accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses. The parenting skills needed with a child with additional needs are not intuitive; they have to be learned. Rarely are parents of children with additional needs on the same part of the learning curve at the same time. Invariably one parent is further along. This can create resentment as one parent may be impatient and critical while the other may feel left out and ineffective. Try to recognise this gap and accept each other for where you are.
- Make time for each other. A regular date night may be out of the question during certain seasons of life, but you can try to make time for each other in different ways. For example, you can talk on the phone if work schedules and family responsibilities mean you ‘pass like ships in the night’. If you are both at home together, at least try to eat together. Don’t be tempted to think that you can ‘go it’ alone. If family and friends offer to help, train them up. Let them support you in practical ways. Use the time redeemed, even if it is just half an hour, to do something together or for each other. One way or another, make time for each other.
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