The missing piece: The loss of a child affects all their relationships

Losing a child at any age impacts the parents but also everyone around them.

Dave Park, our Bereaved Parent Support Coordinator, reflects on these relationships and from experience shares some things that can help.

One of my guilty pleasures is watching Grand Designs – a programme often showing people with seemingly more money than sense starting ambitious building projects that seldom run smoothly or to budget.

One such project involved a couple buying a triangular plot of land and building a triangular house with a stunning sloping roof. The most challenging part was the corner piece where all the different angles met. It was a three-dimensional puzzle and took the builder seven hours just to build a template of it!

The corner piece joined several different surfaces, but no two surfaces were the same.

When our middle son Ben died, his life overlapped and touched many others. As parents we grieved, but we grieved differently because our relationship with him was different and our personalities were different – Jane needed to talk and I couldn’t find the words. We learned to recognise that just because we responded in different ways it didn’t mean that either of us missed or loved him less.

Our children also grieved differently because their relationship was different and they were at different stages of growing up. The ripples spread out: grandparents, wider family, friends, church family, teachers – each one faced the pain and loss and, in their grief, found there was no-one who could fully understand them because their loss was different and unique.

Many months later, I discovered that Ben’s class teacher had changed his daily route to the school to avoid driving past our house. It wasn’t until after my parents died and we were sorting their house that I discovered an album dedicated to Ben with photos, newspaper articles, thank you letters and even the text of my eulogy delivered at the funeral. They were of a generation that didn’t talk much and they bore their pain in isolation. How I long that we had talked more!

Losing a child or a sibling puts an incredible strain on family relationships, but it can also draw people together. From our experience of walking through this ourselves and supporting others, there are things that can help:

• Keep those lines of communication open. Give everyone the chance to talk about what they are thinking and feeling. Talk openly about your loved one as it gives others permission to do the same. Discuss decisions that need to be made so that everyone is included and gets a voice.
• Look for and accept external support. We cannot be the sole support for our partner or children and that’s OK. Whether it’s professional support or friends and family, allow others in to offer the support you can’t.
• If there are siblings, sometimes called ‘the forgotten mourners’, give them a chance to grieve. As parents, we want to look after our own children but unfortunately the time they need it most is the time we are least able to offer it. There are some excellent charities that support younger children and allow friends and family to draw alongside and offer support in a way that we can’t. Care for the Family offers support to bereaved adult siblings and there are other charities too.
• Although it is hard, allow space for others to walk with you. We had an open house on Ben’s birthday and his friends joined us and talked about him. It gave them a space to express their feelings and as a surprising gift to us, it was very precious to hear new stories and create new memories.

Above all, be kind to yourselves and to each other. Love is expressed in so many ways, but often it’s those simple acts of kindness that make so much difference. When words fail, a cup of tea says so much! We will never be able to replace the loss of a son or daughter, brother, sister or grandchild as they have a unique place in our lives. Like the corner piece in that triangular house, they joined several different surfaces, but no two surfaces were the same.

However, it is possible, over time, to build up a new normal where life can be rich and full again. We can learn to look back not just with sadness, but also with gratitude at the life that touched ours for a brief moment in time, a life that brought something unique to our own, a love that has never left us, and never will.