The impact of grief on mental health has often been described as crossing an ocean in a small boat.
Sometimes we are able to drift along with the waves, while at other times we can feel out of control and on the point of being overwhelmed.
If it is a calm day, grief can feel manageable but we can be taken by surprise by waves we just don’t see coming. Sometimes, it can feel as if the storm will never end and we will be overwhelmed.
This feeling of being overwhelmed can impact every part of who we are, our emotions, our mental and physical health, and the way we interact with the world. After someone we love has died, it can feel as if we have a broken heart. It’s only an expression, but the pain can be real. When Danielle’s husband died unexpectedly, she experienced this pain:
It is as if you can actually feel the heart literally shattering into pieces. Such is the intensity of the loss and the overwhelming emotional heaviness that they practically bring you to your knees. It is so heavy that it hurts to breathe.
Grief is normal. It can impact our feelings, thoughts and behaviours. It can change our sense of identity and the way we relate to others:
The part of yourself that interacted with your partner also dies and you are no longer able to interact with the physical presence of the deceased. Your roles often change, your occupation may change, and your location may change and so on.
When Dave lost his son in an accident, he experienced this unrelenting journey:
It seemed like even the simple things took far more energy than usual, a place where overwhelming sadness seeped into every aspect of our lives. As the weeks turned to months and the months turned to years, it seemed that something vital had been sucked out of our home. It was just too quiet, too sad. It was hard to understand what was happening to me and even harder to believe that I could ever be happy again.
Most grief would not be described as being an example of mental illness, but it can lead to depression, anxiety, and habits that are detrimental to our mental health. Numbing the pain with alcohol or drugs can seem helpful in the moment, but can lead to long term mental health problems.
This hard lesson was recognised by one bereaved parent as they saw the impact of their mental health on their family: “Running away from our surviving family with an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ principle may block out some of our own pain but it will make everything so much worse for those we leave behind.”
As we sail on the ocean of grief we may experience sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, and anger. Heather described her experience after the death of her husband:
My world fell apart. Life was overwhelming and felt completely pointless. I was totally lost, gripped with fear and questions. While on the outside I probably looked very strong, inside I was numb and in shock. But I hadn’t been given a choice – I had to keep living, even though the heartache was like nothing I had experienced before. As each wave of grief hit, I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper. Initially I had to just live hour by hour, then day by day, until things slowly started to improve.
When these feelings become overwhelming and do not ebb, it can be an example of chronic grief. There are a number of symptoms:
- Loss of motivation to interact with friends or family
- Intense emotions such as anger or pain whenever the loss is remembered
- Failure to function in daily life
- Prolonged sadness without relief
When these negative feelings continue, it may be time to reach out for help. Others may be able to see this, even if we can’t ourselves. Avoiding support can lead to being susceptible to risky behaviour. This might be impulsivity or it can be self-harm, and suicidal behaviour.
However, if we look after our mental health, it will help us to ride the storms better:
- Sleep hygiene will help with the sleepless nights
- Keep active – you may not feel like leaving the house, but getting out is one of the best ways to make life bearable
- Eat well and keep drinking water
- Cut back on alcohol, even if you feel like doing the opposite
- The key to carrying on with your journey is to remember that you don’t have to travel it alone.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” Vicki Harrison
Accepting support from friends, family and professionals will enable you to keep your head above water on the ocean of grief. You may not always be aware of the cumulative strain of your journey, so don’t block out the warnings from others. They may be able to see what you don’t.
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