The complicated emotions of Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is often a time for celebrating, but equally, for many it is a time of mixed emotions.

Some of us may be doing well, happy in our relationship with our mum, and confident in our own mothering.

Others of us may be going through testing times in our parenting, mourning the loss of our child or our mum, or straining under the weight of single parenting. Some may be walking the difficult road of infertility or navigating the long and challenging path to adopting or fostering.

Happy social media posts full of smiling children may evoke feelings of bitterness, anger or hurt for those with strained relationships, or for those perhaps estranged from their children or mothers.

At Care for the Family, we are all too aware of the complex mixture of feelings Mother’s Day can elicit. Whether you struggle with Mother’s Day or not, we want you to know your feelings are valid and we’re here for you.

If you do struggle with this day, or you know someone who does, here are some useful self-care tips to help you find some joy on the day:

• Acknowledge your feelings. It’s OK to not feel OK. If you’re not feeling great, slow down and take some time for yourself if you can. Even stepping outside for a quick ten minute break (without your phone!) can help. If possible, find a trusted person you can open up to about your struggles with this day.
• Allow yourself to mourn – it’s part of healing. Whether grieving the relationship you hoped for with your mum, the loss of a loved one, miscarriage, stillbirth, infertility, or even the trauma of a difficult birth, it’s important to acknowledge and process your pain. By giving yourself permission to grieve, you create space for healing, resilience, and eventually, hope.
• Involve the children. If you have children, and they find Mother’s Day hard as well (perhaps because of the death of a sibling or parent), find ways of marking the loss in a special way. Rituals like releasing balloons, planting a tree or creating a memory box can be really beneficial in helping children grieve.
• Treat yourself. Find something that brings you joy, whether it’s having a bubble bath, taking a walk somewhere beautiful, eating out with friends, or buying yourself something new for your wardrobe. It can feel counter-intuitive, but filling up your own tank will put you in a better place to keep going and being a blessing to those around you.
• Create new traditions. If you are grieving or feeling disconnected from your past experiences, starting new traditions can be a wonderful way to reframe. Your new traditions could be things that focus on healing or honouring the day in a way that feels more positive or comforting. You might want to visit a place that was special to your loved one, or start writing letters about your life, your feelings, or things you miss.
• Celebrate with others. If you know others in a similar place to you (for example, another single parent with children), consider arranging a special celebration together. It may feel strange to start with, but it can be a great start in creating wonderful memories for years to come.
• Address expectations. If you have a partner, let them know what you’d like to happen on the day. You might be a huge fan of surprises, or you might loathe them. You might prefer burnt toast and a messy but beautifully handcrafted card from your kids over an extravagant gift. Communicating expectations and understanding love languages can help create a memorable day for all the right reasons.
• Recognise the small things. Whatever difficulty you might be going through, or have come through, there will be things you can celebrate – no matter how big or small. Be kind to yourself as you continue on this journey, putting one foot in front of the other.

We hope you’ll find these tips helpful as you learn to navigate Mother’s Day and other celebrations this year, and in the years to come.

For more tips, advice and encouragement on your parenting journey, check out our Parent Support page. If you or someone you know is really struggling, please feel free to contact our CareLine team.