In his book ‘The Happiness Hypothesis’, Social Psychologist Jonathan Haidt suggests that the mind can be likened to a human riding on top of an elephant.
The rider represents our logical reasoning side. It’s the thinking part. The rider is very rational. He’s good at analysing things, thinking ahead, making plans, and other forms of executive functioning.
The limbic system is represented by an elephant. This is the region of the brain where emotion lives.
When it comes to its power to influence our behaviour and our decisions, in comparison with the logical rider, our emotional elephant is a lot bigger and much stronger.
The elephant is driven by emotional instinct. Do I trust you, do I respect you, do I feel safe, do I feel scared or anxious, or do I feel excited and motivated? This is all the elephant’s turf.
If the rider and the elephant ever get into a tug of war and disagree about which way to go, guess who’s going to win?
The rider can try to pull on the reins and that’s what’s happening when we use will power to force ourselves to do something. The rider can tug hard on the reins by developing healthy habits and exercising self-discipline. Over time the rider can even begin to learn to train the emotional elephant a little bit.
But eventually, if the emotional elephant fails to agree with the rider’s logical proposal, the rider is going to lose.
If the elephant gets ‘spooked’ and goes on an uncontrolled rampage, the rider is thrown clear. This looks like a furious rage, a fast and risky exit, angry words or floods of tears. In other words, the fight, flight, or freeze response is activated. In that moment emotion is bigger and far stronger than rationale and there’s no way logic is going to influence that elephant.
Riding an elephant is a great metaphor and it helps us to understand why a child who is in the midst of an autistic meltdown can’t respond to regular methods of discipline and distraction. The child needs to feel safe, to feel calm, to take time to recover emotionally, to self-regulate. Their emotions need time to subside.
Managing the behaviour of a neurodivergent child requires unique strategies. In time there may be consequences, responsibility to be taken, broken things replaced and apologies given – but not in the moment.
The rider (logic) cannot get back on until the elephant (emotion) has been assuaged.
If you are a parent of a neurodivergent child, be encouraged. If it sometimes feels as if you’re battling a giant, you are! Elephants are huge and powerful creatures. You are doing better than you realise. Don’t allow the judgements of others to influence the way you parent your neurodivergent child, lessen your confidence, or inhibit your instincts. Your child can thrive with love, kindness, patience and consistency.
If you are not a parent of a neurodivergent child, please be kind. Please don’t judge. Please show compassion and understanding to parents who look like they may have recently (or regularly) been trampled by an elephant!
I’ll leave you with a quote from the book ‘The Explosive Child’ by Ross Greene: ‘Kids do well when they can. When they can’t it’s because of unsolved problems and lagging skills.’
If you would like to find out more about the resources and support that Care for the Family has to offer for parents of children with additional needs, visit our dedicated page.
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