Ten top tips for creating a healthy blended family

Merging two households – each with its own traditions, rules and boundaries – is no small feat, so let’s delve into the intricacies of blended families and explore some tips to make this journey a fulfilling one.

The challenges

In a nuclear family, there’s often a period of ‘just the two of you’ before children enter the scene. In a family that is blending, however, it’s more complex because the couple’s relationship must develop in front of the children. Another complication is that we can bring with us difficult experiences and feelings from past relationships – which may include hurt, death, rejection or betrayal.

The absence of blood ties or shared history can make the development of relationships between step-parents and stepchildren a gradual process, and we can find ourselves with parenting responsibilities but without the perceived ‘rights’ that come with a biological connection.

There are the wider relationships with extended family members, which can be like an intricate web with varying degrees of closeness. And sometimes previous partners can cast a shadow over the blended family, causing problems with things like financial issues – such as child support – and contact arrangements.

But while there are lots of challenges, blended families can flourish, provided there is open communication and recognition of areas needing extra attention.

Here are ten top tips to help you create a healthy family atmosphere:

1. Don’t compare
   Trying to mirror the dynamics of a nuclear family is a common pitfall for blended families and is probably not realistic. Also, avoid the temptation to compare your family to other blended families. Each family is unique, with its own beauty, distinctiveness and dynamics. What works for one may not work for another. Let your own sense of family evolve.
2. Be patient
   Blending a family is like using a slow cooker. Once the ingredients (i.e. family members), are together it takes time for them to blend. Patience is key – it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Approach it with gentleness and pace yourselves.
3. Hold family meetings
   Good communication is vital. When challenges arise, convene family meetings to openly discuss and resolve issues. Allowing family members to voice their opinions fosters a sense of inclusion.
4. Create new traditions
   Since newly blended families lack a shared history, building new memories and traditions is essential. This doesn’t mean erasing old traditions, but incorporating new ones that reflect the unique identity of your blended family.
5. Spend focused time
   Spend an equal amount of focused time with each child individually. This reinforces bonds, fosters a sense of belonging and ensures everyone feels valued and loved.
6. Acknowledge loss
   Recognise that members of blended families often carry the effects of loss – perhaps from a relationship breakdown or the death of a family member. The key is to approach loss with sensitivity and understanding, acknowledging that every family member may grieve and heal at their own pace.
7. Respect the ‘other’ parent
   Avoid causing your children to feel that their loyalties are divided – which can lead to guilt and anger – by not criticising the children’s other parent in front of them.
8. Maintain ground rules and discipline
   Establish an understanding with your partner about acceptable behaviour and disciplinary issues. It takes time for the step-parent to earn the position of parent. Initially, the biological parent should take the primary disciplinarian role, while the step-parent supports this in a secondary capacity. Presenting a united front is key. Never give the children the opportunity to play one of you off against another. Back one another up in front of them, discussing any issues between yourselves later.
9. Don’t ignore your own relationship
   While forming bonds with stepchildren is important, don’t neglect your relationship with your partner. Invest time in keeping your relationship healthy, ensuring a strong foundation for the blended family.
10. Get support
    Having a support network around you is vital. Get to know other blended families, join a support group, spend time with friends, and if you feel you need it, consider getting advice or professional counselling.

Being part of a blended family is a unique journey filled with challenges and triumphs. With good communication, understanding and commitment blended families can go from strength to strength.