Mark and Juliet share their different reflections on how Christmas was for them, the first year after losing their daughter.
When you lose a child and your world feels like it is collapsing around you, the first year is inevitably filled with ‘firsts’ – birthdays, Mother’s and Father’s Day and Christmas.
Our daughter Kezia was 18 when she took her own life after many years of suffering with her mental health. She was dyslexic so had always struggled in school and then at the age of 12 was diagnosed with coeliac disease and not long after with hypermobility. At 15 she went through an autism assessment. Although the outcome was that she probably was autistic, because she had ’coped’ well for so many years she was only given a letter saying, “treat as autistic”.
This made her cross, as a diagnosis would explain so much of how she was feeling but it was not being recognised. She had suffered for many years not understanding why she was different and why she could not make friends easily. However, in our family she was bubbly, funny and had the most amazingly infectious laugh that would have us all in stitches. She absolutely loved Christmas and would organise her brothers to get little presents for each other by doing a secret Santa. She was always in charge of decorating the tree and making sure that it looked lovely.
We lost her in May 2019 and that year we went through many firsts. As Christmas got closer, we tried to come to terms with what Christmas would look like for us as a family of five, not six. Our youngest was only 13 and we knew that we would still have to try to celebrate Christmas, spend time as a family, make new traditions and not dwell on life before we lost our precious daughter. Without Kezia driving Christmas, we knew that it would not be easy, but we also wanted to make sure that our three sons would not have a day filled with sadness.
Juliet and Mark share their personal perspectives:
Juliet
Once school had finished for Christmas, we planned some trips that we all went on to make new memories. This included ice skating and going for walks. We were still in the early stages of grief, so it was not easy, but we supported one another and that helped.
The run-up to Christmas Day was much worse than the day itself, probably because we didn’t know what to expect and how we should feel or even act with one another. We went through the motions without any real motivation. The boys did not want to decorate the tree, so we didn’t put it up until a few days before and even then, it felt like a half-hearted effort.
To be honest, it is difficult to remember that first Christmas Day because the whole first year, when the grief was so raw, is a bit of a blur now. All we know is that we did get through it and we survived Christmas. We tried to do things that we had not done with Kez, making new memories and trying to enjoy time together. Looking back, I think there is no right or wrong way to feel, just to take each day as it comes and try to find something to be hopeful for in that day.
The tree came down on Boxing Day that year and everything was put away, probably because it was too much of a reminder of the excitement that Kez used to bring to Christmas. We went on more trips during the school holidays and found things to do with the boys to try and keep our minds off what we had lost, but some days that just felt hollow and that we were going through the motions. It was hard trying to manage our own feelings while being sensitive to how the boys were feeling; we didn’t want to project our grief onto them. Some days felt really false, but it was just a coping mechanism.
The run-up to Christmas and the thought of going through it felt like a marathon that we had to run. It was such a relief when it was all over – we had done it. Everything felt slightly easier after that.
Mark
Everyone says that the firsts are the hardest – the boys and Juliet had celebrated a birthday without Kez, I had a Father’s Day without Kez – what was Christmas going to be like without her?
Working in education, holidays are an important part of the rhythm of life – work can be so busy, and weekends are gone in a blink. I knew that this Christmas had to be a positive experience for us all – just as the other school holidays but there is something significant about families, celebrating and togetherness at Christmas. Juliet was planning and organising food, trips, people visiting and places to go.
I felt it was like starting a new job – you knew what was expected, but the landscape had changed, and some people were still struggling with how to ‘be’ with us. I usually write a Christmas letter – how do you do that with an enthusiasm but being gentle to those who still may not have heard our news?
We have always been honest about the situation, and when the decorations went up the Christmas tree had the children’s decorations on and the photos were still there, photos of our four children. When the morning arrived, the boys slept in and the day took shape. Presents were opened, games were played and the TV was switched on.
Then it was over, a couple of days later the decorations were put away and the New Year was approaching.
As the ‘grown-ups’, people suggest we are supposed to ‘put on a brave face’, have coping mechanisms or ‘get over it’. No, we are all on the same motorway heading on with our lives, maybe at different speeds and in different styles but we all struggle at some point. Having familiar things such as Christmas carols, food together, playing games and making new memories, I caught myself taking time out so others couldn’t see how bad I was – I wanted to protect my family from those moments and having permission to do that meant it was slightly easier.
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